Dr. Wetbrain Almost Drowned.
Harold wanted me to tell you about my near drowning story. Dr. Wetbrain who almost drowned stated.
Let’s just begin. So, there I am out in the boonies of Northwest Ontario, Canada. And… decided to purchase a huge canoe. Huge! You could probably put a sail on it. Never paddled a canoe but let’s give this ship a try.
So, one sunny day by myself I was floating around in this river sipping on a large bottle of whiskey. Suddenly all these curious beavers swam up to me. We drank whiskey and played peek-a-boo for hours. Slapping our tails and having a great time. Eventually the river current swept me away from my cute playful friends.
This strange river has all sorts of current conditions from rapids to creepy still water lanes where paddling does not even help.
At a certain quiet part of the river, I had to have a pee! There is a reason they say do not stand in a canoe. Unstable and drunk into the river I went. Even sober have you ever tried to get into a floating canoe. A very tippy situation.
Quickly swam to the canoe before I couldn’t. All I was able to do was hang on to this big ass boat. Still pissed off that I lost all the booze.
The other shoreline where I had to be looked so far away. So, hanging on to this safety line I paddled with my legs towards the opposite shoreline. Any propulsion to move forward stalled due to that part of this weird river current. Paddled for a long time then looking at my surroundings I realized that I never moved… at all. If I could just get this big ass canoe named ‘Hope’ into moving current, I would have it made. Not happening!
Drunk as I was, the safety thought of the canoe was always there. Should I abandon big ass Hope and swim to the shoreline. I am a good swimmer.
After a good rest I shoved Hope away. Oh, great now you move! Dr. Wetbrain yelled.
Knowing the distance, I swam slowly to save energy. It took awhile to get out of the stalled part of the river. Eventually I was on my way. Now I’m in the heavy current getting pulled down stream and having to swim a little harder.
By the time I was nearing the wanted shoreline by 100 feet or so, I was extremely exhausted. Will I make it?! Now I’m swimming a very slow breaststroke. Barely keeping my head above the surface. Determined not to die I struggled on. Finally, 2 yards away from the shore and the water was still too deep to walk out of the river. Damn!
The tired swim continued. The last few yards felt like it took forever. When I was crawling on to solid land I yelled, “I MADE IT!” Thought I was going to meet my maker a few times.
I’m out of that nasty river. Unfortunately I have to climb a high steep bank to climb to the main land and golf coarse road which went to town and my warm dry apartment. Thank you the pick-up truck with drunk people in the box that picked me up and took me home.